My B+ Attempts at Being All That

I'm funny. I promise. If you don't believe me, ask me; I'll set you straight.


on November 25, 2016

Because we can’t seem to get ourselves together to be thankful the other eleven months of the year, so many of us spend the thirty short days in November listing things we’re thankful for. After that, we consume plates of carbs smothered in gravy to kick of the season of warmth and tinsel and shopping and church if we’re lucky. But I get ahead of myself. Back to the thankful thing. I haven’t done the online proclamation of a daily giving of thanks. Shame on me. Am I embarrassed? Am I not thankful? Am I jaded about those who are all of a sudden thankful when mere weeks ago they were ranting about the atrocity they experienced when their sandwich was on wheat instead of white? Probably. To all of it. So, here I go.

Nov. 1st: I’m thankful that Halloween decorations that I don’t need go on sale for a price I still shouldn’t pay and are more appealing than they should be. Thanks, Target, for sucking me in to spending only $10 on bat crafts, eyeball ice cube trays and a cowboy hat for my dog. To quote my husband, “It’s not the money you spend; it’s all the crap you bring home.”

Nov. 2nd: I’m thankful that candy wrappers (and bobby pins and Legos and . . .) are shiny so that when my children leave them all over the floor, they are easy to spot before running the vacuum.

Nov. 3rd: I’m thankful that everyone shared the Jimmy Kimmel bit on how mommy and daddy ate all the Halloween candy. Nothing like a laugh at a child’s expense. What a hoot!

Nov. 4th: I’m thankful that I work a job that I love. Kindergartners are so good at hugging. And telling you that your belly is like a bouncy ball. And tattling. They’re very good at tattling.

Nov. 5th: I’m grateful that the paycheck came before the American Express bill was due. Whoops, did I spend that? No, must’ve been someone else at Target. After Halloween. Buying body part gummies.

Nov. 6th: I’m grateful for the cold weather that everyone else is complaining about. Those layers do a nice job of hiding bouncy balls. And who doesn’t love dog-hair sweaters after a good ol’ cuddling session with the pup under a blanket?

Nov. 7th: I’m grateful that Rick Riordan wrote books my son likes and makes him want to actually step away from the computer for a period of time longer than it takes to pee and grab a piece of bread and complain that we’re out of Slim Jims. How many hours can a kid play Xbox, anyway? And who ate the last Slim Jim? And actually, who bought Slim Jims for the kids’ snacks, anyway?

Nov. 8th: I’m grateful that the crack in my windshield has defied all odds and proved the guy at the dealership wrong when it really did stop midway. Test fate? Don’t mind if I do. And really, if you just ignore the weird vibration at stop lights, it just goes away on its own, right? I mean, they charge a diagnostic fee before asking you to take out a second mortgage on your home to fix said vibration anyway. I’d rather go to Target.

Nov. 9th: I’m grateful that HyVee encourages zombie apocalypse stockpiling to save money on gas. I may have enough pasta, sandwich bags and Powerade to last until 2018, but by golly, I only paid $1.29 for a gallon of gas. Oh yeah, baby.

Nov. 10th: I’m grateful for online links to pictures of puppies. With babies. Or any other baby animal, for that matter. Stick random costumes from Target on them and it’s even better. Show them stealing toilet paper or riding around of a vacuum, boom. Done. Day made.

Nov. 11th: I’m grateful for Pinterest to make me feel like a total failure when trying to come up with the party idea for my kids’ class. Nothing like logging in to an online bulletin board to find out what a parenting fail I am because I have not saved scraps of wrapping paper from every Christmas or made thumbprint ornaments from every age or taken a picture of them holding the picture I took of them last year which is a picture of them holding the picture from the year before. And am I the only one who is a little creeped out about an elf that comes in and wreaks havoc on your home while they sleep? Seems like the modern version of clowns to me. Job security for future therapists.

Nov. 12th: I’m grateful for the experts who tell me I’m doing everything wrong to help affirm my own defiant declaration that I have not, in fact, scarred my children by forgetting to cut their sandwiches in farm animal shapes or raising a cow so the milk can be hormone, fat, and generally poison-free.

Nov. 13th: I’m grateful that at 45, I’m not expected to be cool. That my shoes are allowed to be dorky and comfortable. That I’m not expected to know if something really good is phat, tight or swag. Although, I rock two out of three of those on a daily basis with my bouncy ball belly and the shirts that cling to it. Throw in a good curtain hanging and . . . nailed it!

Nov. 14th: I’m grateful that my husband is the quiet type who silently scans the American Express bill and says nothing about how much I spent on the glitter witch broom.

Nov. 15th: He’s a good guy, so the hubs gets two days. I’m thankful that when the children are logging Academy Award footage minutes with their insistence that dinner will poison them, he doesn’t complain. Ever. Even if dinner is meatloaf with so many cracker crumbs that it has the consistency of a soggy sponge. He’s a keeper.

Nov. 16th: I’m thankful that I have a daughter whose love language is gifts. And that she loves to shop. And the American Express card is good for more than just Twix in orange and black wrappers. And that Plato’s Closet sells Pink for less than an electric bill. Who decided a color printed on a shirt needed to be a thing? A thing that taunts you with the promise of a free spotted dog toy that you really don’t want but is “so cute and we have to have it or we might die” IF you buy a t-shirt for $50. Or a thong.

Nov. 17th: I’m thankful for those trendy little trinket crap things that make buying little presents easier. And that those trendy little trinket crap things are fun for about five minutes, giving me the opportunity to have new trendy little trinket crap things next week.

Nov. 18th: I’m thankful that to a high school youth group, donuts might as well be God himself showing up. I’m also thankful when they are able to come up with an answer other than God, Jesus, the bible, pray or love. Getting’ our holy on and doing it with sprinkles and glaze.

Nov. 19th: I’m thankful that Google is so very helpful. I can diagnose that weird spot in three symptoms. And by the time we’re all done, I can help you pick out a casket ‘cause you’ll be dead in a week. Google also has helped me in that I don’t have to remember anything anymore. State capitals? Pssh – just Google it. How to get to the school where your kid is playing volleyball? Maps are so ten years ago. Need – just need – that limited edition trendy little trinket crap item? On it. And I just might find some more zombie punch balloons. Look out, Target.

Nov. 20th: I am thankful for my dog. Because dogs just make things better. And cheese. Cheese makes things better, too. And fries. But mostly my dog.

Nov. 21st: I am thankful that my children accept me as I am and don’t see the need for me to eat better when they’re nixing my choice of a place with a good salad bar over the place with the really good cheeseburger and fries. They’re all about the caring and sharing. And eating junk.

Nov. 22nd: I’m thankful nail polish comes out of carpet.

Nov. 23rd: I’m thankful God has a sense of humor by giving me the doubled-edged sword of a love for music and complete tone deafness.

Nov. 24th: I’m thankful for PowerPoint and clipart that makes me look much more creative and talented than I really am.

Nov. 25th: I’m thankful for fingers that type and that people pay me for fingers that type. I’m especially thankful that the fine folks in a nearby city are especially particular about signs and colors in their fine city that they have incredibly detailed, long-winded discussions about said signs and colors and that I get paid by the hour. Target, here I come!

Nov. 26th: I’m thankful that my family recognizes that my love language is words of affirmation and that, after I throw a huge fit for them not doing so, they are tripping over each other to offer up a compliment or two.

Nov. 27th: I’m thankful that, despite my best efforts to achieve otherwise, my blood pressure is still in the normal range, my gall bladder isn’t totally shot and I’m not a diabetic.

Nov. 28th: I’m thankful for friends who don’t judge. When I eat excessively, laugh inappropriately, joke poorly, spend unwisely, dress unswaggily, snort embarrassingly, complain annoyingly or laze expertly.

Nov. 29th: I am thankful that I have so very many people around to guide my children when I am not around. From teachers who irritate them because they give them too much homework to friends who introduce them to the newest trendiest littlest crappiest thing, to family who convinces them that they’re getting shafted by the tooth fairy.

Nov. 30th: I’m thankful that God has blessed me with enough. Enough love, enough time, enough money, enough food, enough friends, enough compliments, enough joy. For all that God has done for me, I am thankful. And now I need to head to Target because I’m pretty sure I need another felt cornucopia or turkey made out of pine cones for 75% off.


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